Hmmm so this is peace?

wow, I have come a long ways. I’m so proud of myself for continuing to be and reclaim myself. I’ve grown so much even within a month worth of time. I’ve realized that people don’t and shouldn’t dictate how I feel but rather I seek and ask to God to comfort my every being. I control my feelings and actions. I am who I am because God has giving me so much in life even though some has been very hard yet the ones that have been beautiful had linger so much longer. Today, I felt so much peace and joy. I think it has to do with my friend, she has brought out of me the goofy guy in me that I miss since I’ve been becoming more adult-like lol there’s something to be said about having a time and space to not worry about anything except for living and being in the moment. Today, I was in the moment. I enjoyed every little thing that happened at the county fair. It was fun seeing friends and conversating. Good was good and people watching was pretty fun lol the kids were adorns haha anyways, after I star gazed with my friend, it’s been awhile since I step back and slowed down just to look and appreciate the stars and darkness. It was a good time. I saw two shooting stars and made two wishes, I hope I don’t forget them but I don’t wanna right them down smh lol #complicated. Maybe if I just hint at it so that I’m not really telling  it so that they may come true. Anyways the first one something around self-care of me 😀 I like me and want to keep liking this me that is growing and living as an adult haha the second was about her, nothing too serious or wanting more cus maybe I’ll get hurt again but anyways something along the lines of enjoying the moments with her and having more more moments to enjoy… Life has been pretty great, summer has been awesome and I hope that I get to keep good vibes. Regardless, through anything and everything, I pray for patience and strength that I may further myself and my faith regardless of what life brings..

This is nice, I like this a lot. Maybe do more of this Johnny smh lol

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Never thought I would day this but I did….

I have been feeling quite a lot lately. Lots feelings of inferiority, inadequate, and unworthiness. I think that it’s because my whole life I have been fighting to over come these childhood socialization of me. That I’m too ugly, too fat, too unattractive or too nice to be loved and cared for. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to keep my friends, cared too much for others to advoid being left lonely on my own. I have realized more and more of what I do is out of fear and not out of joy. I keep unhealthy friendships because of my fear of being an asshole or even being rude or even being a non-ride or die kind of person. I hate it so much that I’m willling to sacrifice so much and hurt myself to achieve a speckle of a friendship. All I want to is be in and feel loved by a woman that likes me, that is excited and happy to be in my presence. That she do these things not out of obligation but out of loved that this is not based on my merits. Not based on how hard I try, not based on how sweet I am, not based on my achievements but based on the person that I truly am…a person who is strong and stubborn, ghetto and intelligent, loving and angry, soft-spoken yet loud with passion. I want to be supported, to be cared for to be looked after, I feel needy because I give soooooo much. My eyes are weary and feet are worned, the struggle of life has taken its toll on my youthful life. My youthfulness is fading, not just age but the lifestyle. I just want to free be of the baggage that confines me to this hurtfulness, I want to be rid of the troubles of insecurities that fights to plague my beautiful life. 

I met this beautiful woman online, she is the challenge that I like to have. You is the one that I seek to know and care for. Her stir, her chemistry connects with mine. She treats me well yet holds me dry from love, she eats at my thoughts and challenges all that I am. I’ve grown yet I’ve been hurt, I have been supported yet I have been neglected. I don’t need much, I just need a shot, one chance to be trusted to learn your birthday.to learn your testimony, to know that ins and outs of your struggles, to know the bible verses that upholds your being. You are like beer, an acquired Taste to be quenched yet smooth and refreshing to have you. You make me feel so much, it’s hard to stand it. I pray so much yet you could care less, but my God in heaven knows my worth. He knows what I need and want, he fills every thirst that I desire, he increases all that I am,and though yet I’ve been left with confusion at times, not knowing what will happen next, having to wait in agony of what my future holds, yet you have prepared me as one of your sons to your mission at hand. You lead me to where I am needed, you renew my longing soul, you reclaim this dreadful body as your holy temple for glory. 

I made a promise to her. I will keep this promise to the best that I can just as God has kept his promises for me throughout these years. I hope and pray that she overcomes her demons that holds her back from her dreams, from her antidote, from her prince whom she looks at disbelief and questions with contempt. I give this into God and release these and all other thoughts to be claimed for glory, for redemption and triumph!

My Name is Hmoob: Call Me “Freedom”

My name is not “Exotic…”

My name is Freedom

My people are worth more than eye

Candy and shallow praise,

My people have no home, no country

We are from stolen territory

We are now sojourners in foreign lands

But we will not fit in the palm of a hand

To be controlled,

We live in resistance.

Die in resistance

We are offspring of Genocide

Survivors of imposed assimilations

Our legacy is the blood that streams through my veins,

Through large arteries

Pumping stories of forgotten people,

 *Hmong*

Kuv lub npe yog Ani Siab Yaj

(My name is Jonathan Shia Yaj)

Kuv Pog hu kuv Ani vim hais tias kuv yoj Vajtswv tu khoom plig

(My Grandma calls me Jonathan, because I am a “Gift from God”)

Kuv yah Shia vim hais tias kuv muaj siab, kuv lub siab siab tshaj

(I am Shia [heart] because I have life, my heart is the highest)

Lawv hais thia kuv paug hlub

(People say that I know how to love)

….Kuv lub peb yog Shia

(My name is Shia)

….Kuv lub peb yog kuv tsev neeg

(My name is my family)

….Kuv lub peb yog HMOOB

(My name is Hmong)

* “Hmong” means free

* “Shia/Siab” means heart, tall/high, life

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