Never thought I would day this but I did….
I have been feeling quite a lot lately. Lots feelings of inferiority, inadequate, and unworthiness. I think that it’s because my whole life I have been fighting to over come these childhood socialization of me. That I’m too ugly, too fat, too unattractive or too nice to be loved and cared for. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to keep my friends, cared too much for others to advoid being left lonely on my own. I have realized more and more of what I do is out of fear and not out of joy. I keep unhealthy friendships because of my fear of being an asshole or even being rude or even being a non-ride or die kind of person. I hate it so much that I’m willling to sacrifice so much and hurt myself to achieve a speckle of a friendship. All I want to is be in and feel loved by a woman that likes me, that is excited and happy to be in my presence. That she do these things not out of obligation but out of loved that this is not based on my merits. Not based on how hard I try, not based on how sweet I am, not based on my achievements but based on the person that I truly am…a person who is strong and stubborn, ghetto and intelligent, loving and angry, soft-spoken yet loud with passion. I want to be supported, to be cared for to be looked after, I feel needy because I give soooooo much. My eyes are weary and feet are worned, the struggle of life has taken its toll on my youthful life. My youthfulness is fading, not just age but the lifestyle. I just want to free be of the baggage that confines me to this hurtfulness, I want to be rid of the troubles of insecurities that fights to plague my beautiful life.
I met this beautiful woman online, she is the challenge that I like to have. You is the one that I seek to know and care for. Her stir, her chemistry connects with mine. She treats me well yet holds me dry from love, she eats at my thoughts and challenges all that I am. I’ve grown yet I’ve been hurt, I have been supported yet I have been neglected. I don’t need much, I just need a shot, one chance to be trusted to learn your birthday.to learn your testimony, to know that ins and outs of your struggles, to know the bible verses that upholds your being. You are like beer, an acquired Taste to be quenched yet smooth and refreshing to have you. You make me feel so much, it’s hard to stand it. I pray so much yet you could care less, but my God in heaven knows my worth. He knows what I need and want, he fills every thirst that I desire, he increases all that I am,and though yet I’ve been left with confusion at times, not knowing what will happen next, having to wait in agony of what my future holds, yet you have prepared me as one of your sons to your mission at hand. You lead me to where I am needed, you renew my longing soul, you reclaim this dreadful body as your holy temple for glory.
I made a promise to her. I will keep this promise to the best that I can just as God has kept his promises for me throughout these years. I hope and pray that she overcomes her demons that holds her back from her dreams, from her antidote, from her prince whom she looks at disbelief and questions with contempt. I give this into God and release these and all other thoughts to be claimed for glory, for redemption and triumph!